In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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