He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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