filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
