so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
