Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
