Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
