I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
