Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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