The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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