This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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