you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
