I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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