You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
