I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
