i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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