What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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