I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
