anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
