I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
