They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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