Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
