i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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