By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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