Where is the hickey?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
