nut hugger
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
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