Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
