what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
