he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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