did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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