Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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