it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
