i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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