Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
