Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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