If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
