turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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