is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
