Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
