Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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