I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
