Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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