Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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