This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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