EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
