God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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