Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
