There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Randomize
