highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
