Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
He felt like a one man threesome
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
