so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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