someone threw a dead crab at me
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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