She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
